


Scars

by sanity_not_in_tact



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Child Abuse, Copious amounts of alcohol - Freeform, Homophobia, Humour, Jack will definitely rage at some point, Jack's Past, M/M, Melancholy, Polyamory, Self Harm, but it gets better, lots of trust, not so much about the sex, really sad, sort of, still mourning the coffee boy, team arguments
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-21
Updated: 2014-12-10
Packaged: 2018-02-18 06:10:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2338013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sanity_not_in_tact/pseuds/sanity_not_in_tact
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jack knows that Ianto's seen a lot for someone so young, but maybe Torchwood isn't where it began.</p><p>Neither of them are particularly good at 'talking about it', but maybe doing so is just what they need to bring them closer together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So this is my first fic (that I've published). I'm a little nervous but I still want honest feedback. These are some of my darkest thoughts, so I kinda feel like I'm revealing something here...  
> Actually I think half the reason why I'm posting this in the first place is because I don't want to show the people I know, but I still want to show people.  
> Hope you like it.  
> (thinking that the two of them might be a little out of character, but I tried to modify it at the last minute to make it more accurate)

Scars

Chapter 1

Ianto had never been very good at 'talking about it'. He supposed that that was a woman's speciality. There's no doubt that he could be very emotional – when he didn't have his conservative social mask on – but talking about it had never been easy, even when he was far too young for the outward opinion of himself to have any affect on the way he acted in front of an audience.

In truth, he's never really had anybody to talk to. Sure, he had Rhi, but she was always too busy playing the role of the parent, and Ianto didn't want to burden her with his problems, especially as he knew she felt responsible for him.

What people don't realise is that Ianto didn't just wear a suit to look professional, he didn't keep the false smiles plastered to his face just for the benefit of others. He did it for himself as well. While he wouldn't want for the public to see every side of him, that was never the only reason for the way he was.

Although, sometimes, he came close enough to someone that they needed to know, and he needed them to know.

 

It was about a month after Lisa's death, and he was well and truly warmed-up to Jack, although he still hadn't forgiven him, and whatever was happening between him and Jack was still being kept strictly private.

It'd only been a week and a half since the incident in the countryside, and Ianto was still shaken up about it. He was seated on his white, modern sofa in front of the tele with Jack stuck to his side, one arm around his shoulder. Ianto reached for the remote and put the nature programme they were watching on mute, looking up at Jack looking down at him, a confused smile on his face.

“Jack?”

“Yeah?”

“I... need to tell you something.”

“Okay you're definitely the first male partner I've had to tell me that. Just when I thought I'd never have another first.”

Ianto ignored Jack's comment and took a deep breath. He was shaking, and Jack frowned when he felt Ianto tremble beside him.

“Is everything alright, Ianto?”

“Not exactly.” Jack swivelled round to face him, and crossed his legs in a sign of commitment; he was listening, he wasn't going anywhere.

Ianto took a deep breath and continued.

“I've never really told anyone other than Lisa-” He stopped and took another deep breath before he continued “about this before, and there are only three people in the world that know about it, and that includes myself. God, I'm bad at explaining these things.”

“You don't have to tell me anything that would make you uncomfortable.”

“Yes I do, Jack, because I can see this is going somewhere more... serious and you're going to find out somehow, better to tell you about it beforehand.” His voice shook as he looked into Jack's eyes and held his gaze, preparing himself for what he knew would be a difficult speech. His cheeks were flushed with embarrassment and shame. He really didn't need to further dampen his ego, but, for god sake, he had to stop putting it off.

“Jack... You know that, for my age, I've seen a lot,-” Jack nodded, “but Torchwood isn't all of it.”

He paused for a minute and looked down at Jack's crossed feet. An hysterical giggle whistled from somewhere in Ianto's upper throat, now tight with emotion and a tension he couldn't seem to shrug off.

“You'd think that, after Lisa, I'd be better at explaining this, but I just... I don't know how to tell you.”

“Ianto, you can take your time. I'm not going anywhere, I'm listening, and we've got all night. You may find it hard to believe, but I can be remarkably patient when I put my mind to it.”

Jack's light and reassuring words spurred Ianto on, giving him a new strand of confidence that only Jack could offer.

“My mother was a very gentle woman, according to my sister, but she died at a young age, when I was only a few years old.” He swallowed. “My f-father wasn't so... forgiving.”

Jack inhaled sharply when he noticed that Ianto had begun to cry. He reached out and hesitantly place a hand on Ianto's shoulder, sensing that words weren't right for the moment. Ianto sighed, leaned into the touch and continued.

“Following my mother's death, he turned to alcohol and drugs to relieve himself of the pain. Rhi said it was guilt that drove him mad, but, I know it's a horrible thing to say but... I don't see how a man like that could be capable of such a selfless and... compassionate emotion.

“I don't know what it was about me that so upset him. Maybe I look too much like her, maybe not enough. He... He never t-touched Rhiannon, but I suspect that anything he did to me hurt her just as much as if it were done to her...”

“Ianto, love, what did he do to you?”

Ianto shuddered and more tears fell. “I- I don't know how to... maybe it would be easier if I just... showed you?”

Jack was becoming very aware of how insensitive he could be when it came to these conversations, and struggled for a moment to analyse his next move.“Ianto, you don't have to expose yourself. Don't do anything that would make you uncomfortable.”

“I... Jack, I need to know that you're ok with it, that you won't... Pity me or just look at me and only see what he did-”

“Ianto, I would never judge you, especially not on what someone else did to you. If you need me to know, I won't stop you from... showing me but I don't want you to feel uncomfortable-”

“- I will feel uncomfortable, but I need you to know and I want you to find out the best way possible.”

“Okay, Ianto, anything you need.” Jack fell silent, waiting patiently for Ianto's response and swallowing around the uncomfortable tightness in the throat. Jack was nervous. He knew from experience that it was times like these that could turn a relationship around in a very short space of time, for better or for worse. Or both, actually...

Ianto was already stripped down to just his shirt and trousers, needing to relax and wind down after a long day and finding excess clothing only got in the way. His hands wavered on their way up to the top button on his shirt, and Jack caught them gently in his own to steady them. Ianto held his breath as he undid his buttons quickly, needing to get it out of the way. He stopped when he reached the last one, and Jack moved one of his hands from Ianto's and placed it on his cheek. He was flushed and his tears made his skin feel delicate, reminding Jack of just how young Ianto was, how much trust he was putting in the man who had, only last month, killed one of the people he held most dear.

Ianto released his breath with a sigh and returned his gaze to Jack's, holding it there while he slipped his shirt from his shoulders. It took all the effort Jack had not to look down then, but he kept staring into Ianto's eyes, waiting for his permission to look. Ianto nodded. Jack looked down and, at first, he saw nothing. There were a few scars across his chest form the odd weevil hunt, a few from the countryside and some that he recognised from the death of Lisa and what he could only assume was from the battle of Canary Wharf.

But Jack understood as Ianto took hold of his shoulder, holding his gaze for as long as his straining neck would allow him as he turned around, finally letting his head fall forward to expose his back and neck.

There were hundreds of thin, long scars running down his back, criss-crossed and disfigured from the stretch of his skin as he grew. It looked like the scars were made by a whip or, dare Jack think of it, a blade. Somewhere through his frenzied effort to control the shock and pain from seeing the results of something so cruel, he marvelled at how the man had managed to keep every scar somewhere hidden, away from the public eye.

“How old?” Jack asked, his voice soft and cracking.

“I'm... not really sure. I guess... between 5 and 10...”

He jumped and stiffened as Jack's fingers rested on the top of one of his scars and gently trailed down to the base of his spine, relaxing a little bit as Jack made a gentle humming noise and reassured him.

“It's okay, Ianto.”

Jack's built-up tears nearly spilt over as Ianto relaxed completely, the amount of undeserved trust rolling off Ianto making him feel overwhelmed and somewhat guilty. But he had to pull himself together. Losing control of his emotions now could be read in all kinds of the wrong way, and he wasn't in the mood for defending himself and battling with Ianto's insecurities.

Ianto leaned all the way back, so that he was leaning backwards against Jack chest, and rested his head on Jack's shoulder, sighing with relief; it was finally over. Well not all of it, but the worst of it, anyway.

“Are you okay?”

“Ha, Ianto, you never cease to amaze me. You just reveal something incredibly personal to me and you're asking me if I'M okay?”

“Yeah, I guess.”

Jack chuckled. “I've seen a lot and I'm a grown man, Ianto, I'm fine.”

“I don't buy it.” Ianto replied as he turned back around to face Jack.

“Ianto, believe me, the things I've-”

“This is personal, Jack. This happened to somebody close to you, just barely after he learned to speak. No amount of pain or suffering could possibly change a man as good as you, Captain Jack Harkness, so much that you become cold and detached enough to remain unaffected by this.”

“I never said I was unaffected. I am affected, Ianto, but I can cope. It's you I worry about-”

“-I don't want your pity, Jack.” Ianto interrupted.

“I don't pity you. Terrible things have happened to you, but you're a strong man. Worry and pity are two different things. Nobody could be treated like this at such a young age and come out of it with their self-image, confidence and strength of will unscathed. I can put two and two together, Ianto, and you aren't exactly hiding your wrists.”His voice dropped at the end, his tone becoming gentle so as not to insult or anger Ianto.

Jack realised that Ianto had purposely left them uncovered, probably hoping that he wouldn't have to explain that part.

Jack looked into Ianto's eyes and saw his insecurities seeping through his expression. He placed his palms on Ianto's cheeks and put their foreheads together.

“Ianto, you are one of the most selfless, kind and considerate people I've ever met, and you could never deserve what your father did to you.” He whispered.

Ianto looked surprised at Jack's intuitiveness. He wondered briefly if all men were as open as him in their relationships. He doubted it, but then again, he'd just revealed himself, too.

Jack leaned back and looked down at Ianto's wrists and then into his eyes, as if asking permission. Ianto nodded. Jack reached out to hold Ianto's palms in his and then gently lifted them, extending his arms to expose his scars.

Hundreds of them ran up his arms, all drawn horizontally and of varying depths and, Jack realised, some of them new.

“Lisa?” He asked, as he pointed to some of the most recent ones.

Ianto nodded as more tears fell. “I'm sorry, Jack. Oh god. I can't imagine what you must think of me right now. Rhi was so disgusted when she found out...”

“Ianto, do you trust me?” Ianto hesitated.

“... Yes. I think so.”

Jack pulled himself together, held his hands tighter and stood up, pulling Ianto up with him. He let go of his hands and stood back. Ianto wrapped his arms around his torso and his shoulders tensed, apparently self-conscious. He was looking at his feet when Jack spoke.

“Look at me.” Jack's tone was gentle, but there was a decidedly masculine quality to it that only Jack could sport without it seeming somehow ridiculous.

Ianto obeyed, slowly meeting his gaze and almost starting at what he saw there. His expression was completely open, and, unlike Ianto had expected, he wasn't looking at his body at all. What he saw on his face was honest sadness, but also love and he noted that there wasn't any pity there. There wasn't even a hint of disgust. He looked tired.

“Do I look disgusted to you?”

“No, sir.”

Ianto's use of 'sir' didn't go unnoticed.

“That's because I'm not, Ianto. If that's what you read from Rhi's expression then I'm sure it wasn't directed at you, but your father. Women can be very... emotional. You are beautiful, Ianto. Suit or no suit, scars or no scars.” Jack said. “Do you think that, if I had scars, I would disgust you?”

“NO! Jack, of course not.”

“You see? What he did to you is horrible. I can think of few things worse than hurting your own son. But the scars aren't. In fact, they tell me a lot about you.” His eyes didn't leave Ianto's as he continued. “They tell me the best about you. They tell me that, even though horrible things have happened to you, at such a young age, as well, you've come out of it filled with so much compassion and kindness, and I think that makes you the strongest and bravest person I've known in all the years I lived. And that, coming from me, is a compliment.”

If anybody else had delivered that speech, Ianto would have laughed at the mother-hen quality of it, but Jack made it sound completely natural. Almost casual - although more emotional than a discussion about the weather.

Ianto's tears had increased tenfold, but he was smiling through his tears now, and his adoration for Jack showed in his eyes. He thought that, just maybe, someday he could forgive Jack.

They both sat back down, and Ianto's tears were wiped away with Jack's thumb. “You do know that this doesn't fix everything.” Ianto whispered.

“Of course it doesn't. But it's a start, isn't it? At least now you know that you don't have to hide behind a suit around me anymore, although I do love the suit.” Jack said, jokingly.

“Yeah” Ianto said. “I suppose.”

“Hmm...” Jack said, thoughtful. “I have an idea.”

Ianto looked up at him. Jack held out his hand, palm up, and Ianto took it.

“Come with me, and please trust that I'm not going to try anything. Can you do that?”

“Yes, sir.”

Jack pretended not to notice the use of a title, and pulled Ianto to his feet, dragging him to his bedroom.

“Jack?”

“Trust me.”

He sat down on his bed, and then pulled Ianto down with him, settling him beside him, their hips touching and their legs swinging off he high bed.

“This isn't going to be pleasant, at first, but I promise you this will get better, okay?”

“Um, okay.”

Jack leaned back until he was lying on the bed and swung his legs up, patting the space beside him, aware that Ianto would feel more comfortable if he began level with him.

“Lie down, on your front.”

Ianto hesitated but remembered Jacks words. _Please trust that I won't try anything._

He lay down beside Jack, placing his arms under the pillow and never breaking eye contact with Jack. Jack reached up slowly and swept his hand across the top of Ianto's neck, and then leant up and lightly kissed the spot where his hand had been. His hand continued until it reached his left shoulder and, again, his lips lightly trailed the path of his hands.

Ianto sighed beneath him, relaxing with the realisation that Jack wasn't, in fact, 'trying anything' at all. He was just trying to make him feel comfortable in his own skin and, although he hadn't come close to achieving that, he appreciated Jack's efforts.

Jack's hand's continued lower, reaching below the neck-line where the scars began. Ianto tensed when he felt Jack begin to trail his finger down his scars again, but relaxed again when he gently shushed him and bent down again to trail his lips down his deepest and longest scar, reaching the bottom and then pulling himself back up to level with Ianto, resting his head on the pillow next to him and looking into his eyes as his finger continued to search his back.

“Perr 'kmet mé, aleu. Halem, atelle 'smotre allee vé.” Jack whispered.

“What was that?”

“First line of a song in my mother's native language.”

Ianto smiled softly. “What does it mean?”

“Something along the lines of 'God', or the equivalent of... 'greeted people, and behold.'” Jack paused, thinking.

“'Halem' means the opinion of the people that wasn't originally theirs. Like the opinion of God affecting people's opinion, in this case.”

Ianto nodded, seeming to understand.

“'Thorned' or 'splintered the'... 'judgement of man.'”

Ianto looked a little confused. J

ack chuckled. “That's only the first verse. It's actually telling the story of what will be history then, but is happening now.”

“So 'God greeted people, and behold. The opinion of God changed the opinion of man and put a thorn in their judgement'?”

“Well, you put it better than I did.”

“What comes next?”

Jack pulled his arm out from under him and the one trailing Ianto's scars joined it in gently lifting Ianto's elbow out from under his pillow, and pushed his shoulder over onto his side and tipped him onto his back, pulling his other arm out from under the pillow.

Ianto let him.

Jack lifted his arms into the air, sweeping them above him in a figure of eight, the rhythm acting as a metronome.

“Mel teckin allowe myet, swek. Feh, twedri, tetla, calaouque 'hée thé.”

“Why the arms?”

“You'll see.”

“So what does that mean?”

“'Mel' means 'the fear of'' so 'the fear of'... 'exclusion' or 'the absence of acceptance'... 'myet' means to drive someone to do something using fear... 'swek' means to fight for a belief or something that isn't proven to be fact, or to fight under the authority of a biased person.”

“Your mother's language is sounding more confusing by the minute.”

Jack chuckled. “Some of the words she used held a lot more meaning than English words can.'Feh' means hatred of people who are unlike yourself... 'twedri' means conflicting beliefs, 'tetla' means wanting to have something that people in other circumstances have, like jealousy, I suppose... 'calouque' means 'inequality'... ''hée' means to make or do something horrible, and 'thé' is a word to describe a party of people who is considered to be 'the other'.”

“So 'God greeted people, and behold. The opinion of God changed the opinion of man and put a thorn in their judgement. The fear of rejection drove people to fight under the command of people with strong beliefs. Hatred of the other party, difference of opinion or belief, jealousy, inequality, made people do horrible things to those who were different.'”

“... Sort of. Not really. Kinda.”

Ianto huffed in frustration.

“Mais-” “- That's a French word!”

“Huh, I guess that must be its root then, a lot of her language was influenced by the languages of today.

“Mais 'hée cadone met, irdewt éht. Met cadone clerrd kide met'éht, met'thé”

As he said the words, he reach across and lifted Ianto's hands into the air to join his, mimed slashing his wrists and striking him, then brought Ianto's wrists to his lips and, as he finished the line, he kissed up Ianto's arms.

“'But'... 'the horrible things that people did'... 'made the people'... 'irdewt' is literally 'twerdi' backwards, so I guess it means to join beliefs or to understand other beliefs... 'éht' is 'thé' backwards so it means to combine parties, to make two wholes into one. 'The people were made to'... 'accept' or 'make an agreement with'... 'their people, and other people'.

“In other words 'But the horrible things that people did made the people see similarity between themselves and others through their experiences and their pain, which let them build a common understanding of each other, to become one within the human race, and also to accept the people outside the human race.'”

Ianto understood. Jack was making a connection of empathy and understanding between him and Ianto. The song described the human race at its best and its worst, and told of the beauty of our ability to pull through hard times and to build an understanding.

Ianto dropped his hands to Jack's chest and pushed himself up, so that he was looking down at him. Jack was trying not to cry, the memories of his past overwhelming him. He didn't even know he still had that memory until he dredged it up. “

Thank you, Jack. I understand.”

“Ianto, your scars are beautiful. They are as beautiful as the horrible history of the human race. They are something not to flaunt, but to be proud of. They show that you've battled with yourself and others, that you've been hurt and injured and that you went through so much pain just because somebody couldn't empathise. But the fact that you've come out of it and you're still the wonderful loving person that you are, and that you can make this connection with people, which we call empathy, shows me just how strong and valuable and beautiful you are.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ianto was almost certain that the next morning would be somewhat awkward, but maybe he underestimated Jack a little.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yey guys.
> 
> So this is an edited version of the chapter. I just strengthened the plot a little bit and made Gwen's motives a little more convincing.

Chapter 2

 

Ianto was almost certain that the following day would be somewhat awkward. He woke alone, with a note from Jack saying that he guessed that Ianto would need some space. He wasn't wrong.

Ianto got ready for work as usual, more conscious of what his clothes were concealing than ever before.

When Ianto arrived at work, Jack greeted him as usual, requested coffee as usual, winked and gave him a look worthy of some mildly violent punishment that never came, as usual.

Gwen arrived a little bit late, as usual, but not enough to actually get her into trouble. She smiled politely at Ianto, and a little more enthusiastically at Jack, as usual.

It was a normal Torchwood 3 morning, the almost bleak fact emphasised the moment Owen finally came storming in, soaking wet and furious at the weather. 

“I swear to God this bloody Island...” His accent thickened with his ill temper. “Y'know, in the wee hours o' the morning, I sometimes wonder why we bother savin' this shit 'ole in the first place...” His voice trailed off as he stomped off to the locker rooms, dumping his soaking coat at the entrance for Ianto to fuss over.

Ianto sighed and picked up Owen's coat, swinging it over the railing and frowning at the wet puddle and trail of mud Owen was mindlessly dragging through the walkway.  
He made coffee for the lot of them, including one for Tosh, who was uncharacteristically late, and took extra care to make Owen's coffee more than satisfactory, with Owen's foul mood, teasing and snarky comments in mind.

Tosh arrived just as he started handing out coffees, Gwen muttering her thanks and Owen pointedly refusing to even acknowledge him. He greeted Tosh with her coffee, just how she likes it, and she smiled at him warmly, thanking him, apologising to the team for her lateness, and then immediately beginning work.

Owen glared at her umbrella as she tucked it under her desk, sparing a desperate glance at her dry shoes.

Jack was being unusually quiet, and keeping to his closed office, not even coming out to order the team around or demand a coffee.

Suspicious.

But it could mean nothing, right?

Ianto was quiet too. Nothing unusual there, though.

Gwen thought she must just be imagining things, but Jack and Ianto seemed a little more tense than usual.  
She looked up in surprised as Jack's office door opened, and the Captain stepped through.

Yep, she was definitely imagining things.

You know what they say about imagining a scenario that most suits you

Annoying.

Shut up, brain.

“Ianto?”

Jack called out.

“Jack.” He said from the kitchen, accompanying his name with a sigh.

“My office?”

“Actually sir, I've got to...”

“Why don't I save you from having to come up with some kind of pathetic excuse and remind you  
that I'm your boss and that was an order?”

“I'll be up in a minute.” He replied in a small voice.

“Don't take your time.” And, with that, he turned on his heal and disappeared into his office once again.

Ianto stopped fussing with whatever he was fussing with in the kitchen, and stared up at Jack's office, holding a distant expression of glassy eyes and a slight frown.

“Ianto?” He hadn't heard Tosh approach.

“Wha... yeah?”

“Are you alright?”

Ianto managed a tight smile.

“I'm fine Tosh, thank you. I'm just a little nervous.”

“About what?”

“... nothing, Tosh. Don't worry about it.”

“Okay. Well, you tell me if I can help.”

“Of course.”

Ianto sighed again and dragged his feet over to Jack's office, noting that his door was open in invitation.  
He really didn't want to be told to dredge up more memories of his 'traumatic childhood', especially not at work, when he was meant to be keeping up his appearance of the professional, clean-cut, shy and modest Jones.  
Jack looked up when he placed his coffee on his desk, smiling and nodding at Ianto and opening his mouth to speak, but Ianto interrupted him before he could pronounce his first vowels.

“Jack I... don't want to talk about last night.” It came out in a rush, and there was no break as he continued. “It's not something I like to think about on a daily basis anyway and I knew that today would be difficult. Hell, it took months for things to go back to normal when Owen-” He stopped short, his eyes widening with the realisation of what he'd just let slip.

 

“Guys?” Tosh called. “Come and look at this.” She was pointing to the live CCTV feed from Jack's office.

Owen and Gwen walked over and bent either side of Tosh's shoulders to look at the screen.

Tosh turned the volume up.

“- Owen? … Wait, it doesn't matter.” The girls turned to look at Owen briefly when Jack said his name. “That's not why I brought you up here, Ianto. I actually brought you here to say the opposite. Look, I know you revealed something sensitive last night but I'm not going to force you or even suggest that you explain anything more. You can stop avoiding me, Ianto-”

“-I'm not avoiding you, sir”

Jack sighed. “That's not the point. The point is that I'm perfectly happy to pretend that nothing happened-”

“Well this doesn't seem much like 'pretending nothing happened', sir.”

Jack dropped his head in his hands. “Look, Ianto, you can leave right now if you wish and we can start pretending.”

Ianto turned to the exit.

“Wait!” Jack said quickly.

“Yes, sir?” Ianto sounded frustrated.

“I may have just one question.”

“Choose your words carefully, sir, I'm feeling on-edge.”

“You mentioned... Owen?”

“Yes.” Ianto's shoulders slumped. “Owen knows. It's somewhat difficult to hide something that big and obvious from one's own doctor.” And, with that, Ianto walked out of view.

“Owen?” Gwen hesitated. “What's this about?”

“I've no idea, Gwen, why don't you ask them?” he gestured to the screen.

“Don't play dumb. We all heard perfectly well what they were saying. Didn't we, Tosh?”

Tosh was about to answer when she heard Ianto's footsteps coming nearer and snapped her mouth shut.

 

Ianto wondered absently back downstairs, intent on cleaning Owen's mess and attending to his usual morning chores, but was interrupted by Gwen.

“You alright, sweetheart?”

Ianto jumped, he hadn't noticed her approaching.

“I'm fine.”

“You know, a wise woman once told me that 'fine' barely ever actually means 'fine'.”

“Well I guess this must be a rare occasion.” He smiled at her and plucked up the courage to make eye contact.

“Well, alright, love.”

“What makes you think I'm not?”

“Nothing. You just don't seem yourself today.”

“You're very observant, Gwen, I'll give you that. But if it were anything you could help me with, I'd let you know.”

Their conversation was interrupted by Jack finishing his call and exiting his office, calling out to the team as he descended the stairs.

“Okay kids! Anything happening?”

Gwen smiled and patted Ianto's shoulder before turning to Tosh who'd swivelled around in her seat to face Jack.

“Nothing that I can see” She answered “but readings from the last 3 hours have indicated that the rift is a little unstable, so anything could happen.”

“Right, looks like we'll be in for a long day.”

Ianto just said “filing”, before sulking off to the archives.

Jack watched him go, frowning.

“What is up with you two?” Gwen asked.

“Should have known it wouldn't slip past you lot.” Jack replied, giving Gwen a stern look. 

“I'll be in my office if you find anything.” And, with that, he left them to gossip.

“Smooth.” Owen glared at Gwen.

“Oh, and you'd do so much better!”

“She's just worried about them.” Tosh butted in.

“Yeah and now her little caring concerns have just alerted them that, not only do we know about their little shagging arrangement, but we know something sensitive is happening between them-.”

“Oh, for god sake, must we talk about their relationship like it's taboo? This is not the 1950s.” Gwen exclaimed.

“However, the two have made it pretty clear that they don't want us nosing in their business.”

“Since when did you get so defensive of them, anyway?”

“Not at liberty to say.”

“What a load of bullshit, Owen, whatever it is, it's gotta be serious and we can't just ignore it!”

“Oi! I'm allowed to keep some things between me and them and anyway, it's just a little bit of childish avoidance, I'm sure it's just some petty domestic or something.”

“Doesn't look like you're even convincing yourself, Owen, and we know what they're like when they're angry, this is nothing like it.”

“Can you two just drop it? Arguing over it isn't going to help anyone.” Tosh sounded like she regretted showing them the footage.

“Of course, Tosh. Sorry.” Gwen said quickly.

“No, I'm sorry, but I'm not gonna just leave it at that-”

“Owen, just drop it!”

“No, Tosh, I'm not gonna drop it until miss PC promises not to bring this up.”

“I may have already-”

“You WHAT? Gwen, you have no idea what you're dealing with here-”

“Oh, and you're admitting that you do?!”

“YES, as a matter of fact, I do, and it's not pretty! I'm warning you now, Gwen, you better drop this or you'll risk tearing the whole team apart.”

Gwen scowled at Owen but didn't say anything.

Jack cleared his throat from the platform outside his office.

“You done?”

Gwen went violently pink and Tosh folded her arms on the desk and dropped her head into them, sighing.

“Owen, can I see you in my office, please?”

“Um, eh... actually...”

“Great. See you in a few minutes when you've remembered how to speak.”

Owen just nodded and looked at his feet.

Jack returned to his office to wait.

“Nice one, guys.” Came Tosh's muffled voice.

“Right. I should eh... go see Jack.” Owen sounded nervous, and dragged his feet on his way to Jack's office. This was something he had hoped he would never have to think about again, let alone talk about it.

The door was open when he reached it, and he cleared his throat to announce his arrival.

“So I'm guessing Ianto's told you.” Owen said.

“He showed me, actually.”

“Lovely.” Owen sounded disturbed.

“You knew.” It wasn't a question.

“Yeah. I had to... well he was pretty badly injured after that god-awful trip to the country and he was kinda too weak to put up much of a fight...”

“... When he said that three people knew I assumed he meant the third was his father...” Jack muttered to himself.

“His father's dead.” Owen said, calmly.

Jack just looked at him.

“I eh... checked his family records after I... found out. Turns out the job'd already been done for me. Murdered, apparently. Can't imagine why.” 

“What do I do? Do I talk to him?”

“I dunno what you should do, mate. Hell, I spent weeks on the receiving end of his little childish silent-treatment episode. But I don't think you should talk to him about it. I think the whole reason why he's avoiding you is cos he doesn't want your pity. He just wants things to go back to normal, and he probably thinks the only way to do that is to keep away from you 'til the whole thing's far enough in the past that it doesn't matter anymore.”

“He won't let things go back to normal, Owen. I don't pity him, but I have no way of showing that I don't see him any differently, because he won't let me.”

“Look. To be honest, I don't give a rat's ass about your relationship but Ianto is my friend. He's under stress and probably relieving a lot of nasty memories, he's down in a dusty old basement on his own, and he's clever enough to have figured out what me and Gwen were arguing 'bout by now.

“I don't care if it'll ruin your chances of getting Teaboy in bed, I'm asking you, as his doctor, to go down there right now and be your usual flamboyant self and pretend nothings happened. Maybe, I don't know, pretend you want something from him. I don't care as long as you get on with it and try not to involve me in it. Ianto can't be down there on his own and he needs to see that nothing's changed.

“Now, if you'll excuse me, I was kinda hoping I'd never even have to think about this again, so I'd prefer to just get on with my job and try to pretend nothing's happened and hope that you'll sort this out without involving anybody else.”

Jack stared after him as he turned and stepped off the platform, realising that it probably wasn't fair to involve Owen in something this personal.

He was just so confused. He knew that he could keep up his end of the deal. He could pretend nothing had happened easily enough, but would Ianto let him? He figured Ianto would be pretty touchy at the moment. Easily upset, Easily angered. He really didn't want to make a wrong move right now, especially while the team's still here. 

But Owen had a point. Ianto was alone in a dusty basement with only his darkest thoughts and a few centuries worth of reports for company. What was he doing sitting up in his office just letting this happen? Screw his relationship, he was being selfish. Ianto's wellbeing was way more important.

He grabbed his coat and ran his fingers through his hair, practicing his signature smile in the reflection of the computer screen, and exited his office.

Jack rolled his eyes as the team's angry voices reached his ears.

“... But what if we can help-”

“Gwen, if there was anything you could do, I wouldn't hesitate to tell you-”

“Bullshit! You just wanna sweep this under the carpet like everything else!”

“You two! Can you please just stop acting like gossiping teenagers and-”

“Shut up, Tosh. Either pick a side, or shut your gob-”

“Don't you dare speak to her like that! She's not a part of this-”

“She's as much a part of this as me and you, Owen, and when did you get all defensive...”

Gwen's voice trailed off as Jack quietly slipped through the long corridors leading through the archives.

He found Ianto leaning against the wall next to T-Z, listening to an audio of the conversation upstairs. He had a tired look on his face, but Jack thought he was taking it all quite well.

“You've got sound?”

Ianto jumped, he hadn't heard Jack arrive.  
“Um, yeah. I suspect Tosh has found out already, but for some reason she's kept it to herself...”

“Maybe she thinks you deserve to know.”

“It's their business.”

“They're often talking about you, as you are probably aware.”

“I am. It doesn't usually bother me.” He frowned.

“Hmm... So did you get enough sleep last night?”

“I guess.”

“Lovely, because I might want you to start going out on the field more with us starting with today.”

“Yes, sir.”

“If that's what you want, of course.”

“It is.”

Jack joined him, leaning against the wall, and listened to the team fight in silence.

“... It. Is none. Of your business. Gwen!”

“Oh, and you're the judge of that, are you?”

“This has gone well past ridiculous. Can you two please just shut up and do your jobs?”

“They're somewhat amusing to listen to, actually. At least Owen has kept his word. Sort of.”

“That is an unexpected bonus.” Jack paused to study Ianto's expression. “Turn it off, Ianto. Owen's not going to tell them anything, don't worry.”

Ianto sighed and switched it off, then returned to his position leant against the wall, rubbing his temples.

“Jack? Where are you? I think I've found something.” Tosh's voice sounded through the comms.

“Is it urgent?”

“It looks inanimate, but that doesn't necessarily mean safe.”

“I'll be up as soon as I can.” He deactivated the comms. “You coming?”

“Only if you want me to, sir.”

“Well then, let's go.” 

 

The team arrived back at the Plass in the mid-afternoon, covered in clear slime, having chased a vanishing box all around Cardiff only to have it explode in their faces.

“Well, that was fun.” Owen's sarcastic tones further agitated the team.

“To the shower, kids. And try not to trail too much mess through the hub as you go.” Jack said.

“Easier said than done.” Gwen said, but followed the others to the showers without further comment.

Ianto took the stall furthest from the entrance, and Jack made sure there were a few stalls between him and Ianto. The team automatically took the stalls on the other side of Jack.

Ianto had a lot of time to think in the shower, the goo acting particularly resistant to water, soap, shampoo, body wash or anything, really.

Looking back on the mission, Jack really hadn't treated Ianto any differently than any of the other team members, sending him out on the same tasks, with similar risks. Maybe he really didn't see him any differently.

But that still seemed unlikely.

How could anybody look at him the same way after they had seen that? He knows that Owen couldn't, only time ever remedied the separation between them after the countryside.

He supposed it wouldn't hurt to at least give Jack a chance. After all, he really didn't want to spend the next month avoiding him.

Everyone took about half an hour to clean off all the slime, and the water was starting to run cold (good thing Torchwood had its own – slightly alien – hot water system). The team changed, and Ianto wondered off to the kitchenette to make coffee, pretty confident that Jack would follow him.

He was right.

Jack opened his mouth to say something, probably an innuendo or accompaniment to his dramatic entrance, but Ianto beat him to it.

“Sorry, Jack”

“What for?”

Ianto blushed.

Jack chuckled. “I figured you'd need a little time to adjust. I would have left you to it, only Owen pointed out that I probably shouldn't have left you alone...” Jack trailed off, worried that he may have said too much.

“Yeah. Well, maybe Owen was right, I don't know, but I appreciate your understanding.”

“Are we cool?”

“Adults don't say that, Jack.” A smile played at his lips.

“Oh, shit. Am I meant to be an adult?”

“Hmm... let me see. You look as though you're in your forties, you're the boss of The Great T3 and responsible for the lives of everybody in Cardiff at any given moment. Yes, I think adult behaviour is in order.”

“Forties?” Jack pulled a mock-offended expression.

“Well, you could be a man in his forties that looks young for his age.”

“You have no idea.”

“What is that supposed to mean, Mr. Mysterious?”

“That would be Captain Mysterious, actually.”

“But it doesn't rhyme.”

“Still, it has a nice ring to it.”

“I don't agree.”

“No?”

“Captain Jack Mysterious. I don't think so.”

“Mr. Jack Mysterious doesn't sound any better.”

“Point taken.”

Jack wondered across the kitchenette as they spoke, and stood right in front of Ianto once he'd finished talking. Jack lifted his hand to cup Ianto's jaw, a smile still playing on his lips, and looked into his eyes, once again asking permission. Ianto closed the remaining gap and kissed him.

It lasted about twenty seconds before Ianto pulled away.

“Coffee, sir?”

“Hmm yes please.”

Jack leaned in for another kiss but Ianto ducked under it. 

“Later, Jack. If you want coffee, I gotta make it.”

Jack whined. “Logic is my worst enemy.”

“I guessed as much.” Ianto paused. “Ask Tosh about the rift. Maybe you can send the team home early.”

Jack raised an eyebrow.

Ianto chuckled. “Don't let your imagination run too wild, Jack.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is where the fun begins. I'm aware that I'm cutting it a little fine, and that 'stopwatch' is very soon (if I'm working chronologically), but I'll leave their little sexual explorations leading up to it mostly to the imagination (sorry).  
> I will hopefully include a few flashbacks to their first time etc. in the later chapters but there's a particular turning point that I'm desperate to jump to.
> 
> Comments would be much appreciated, because I've never really received proper feedback on my writing from people that I don't know.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More humerous chapter. Get to meet some interesting characters. Have fun. edited since first published bc I got my chronology a bit mixed up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> posting this about 2 months late. sorry guys. I'd say it won't happen again, but that would probably be lying

 

Chapter 3

 

 

“Sometimes Jack can go too far.” Gwen's voice announced her approach. “For god's sake, poor Tosh." 

 

“Wouldn't be the first time he's stepped out of line.” Owen agreed 

 

“First poor Ianto, now this.”

 

Ianto sighed when he heard his name, and turned the coffee machine on to drown out their voices.

 

Jack entered thirty seconds behind the others, looking far less confident than usual, and sporting a decidedly sulky expression.

 

Ianto casually started whistling to get his attention as he walked past the kitchenette, but he might as well have hidden in the cupboards for all the mind Jack payed him.

 

Ianto frowned and made a mental note to ask about it later, not that he was about to forget.

 

Tosh, Owen and Gwen had just sat down at their stations when Ianto had finished preparing the coffee.

 

He padded over, trying to blend in with the concrete walls, and handed them their coffee while he listened for some context.

 

“I didn't really get the impression that he was a pure soul-” Gwen reattled on “but I thought he at least had a conscience”

 

“He never fails to surprise me.” Owen chided in “As soon as I think I've got him figured out-”

 

“Right here, guys." Tosh said "She was an alien, he was just following protocol-" 

 

“You don't need to justify it for him, Tosh"

 

Owen groaned and threw his arms up in defeat. “This is exhausting. I'm out of here.”

 

None of them so much as glanced at Ianto, barely even noticing the coffees that materialised on their desks.

 

“Times never change.” Ianto sighed as he started towards Jack's office.

 

He knocked on Jack's door and got an unusually soft “Come in” in answer.

 

He opened the door and stood in the doorway for a moment, taking in the scene before him. Jack was clearly trying to look 'fine', throwing attempts at casual smiles in Ianto's direction without actually making eye-contact.

 

Ianto didn't return it – he didn't feel like pretending.

 

“Coffee, sir.”

 

“Thank you..” Jack's voice croaked with lack of use.

 

Ianto handed him his coffee and sat on the edge of Jack's desk. Neither of them had much to say.

 

“Seems like the team still has trouble acknowledging your existence if not for the sake of gossip.”

 

Ianto said nothing.

 

“Sorry.”

 

“You never apologise, sir, why should you start now?”

 

“Because I need to.”

 

Ianto frowned. “You're not going to have your coffee, sir?”

 

Jack just looked at him.

 

Ianto stood up, brushed off his suit, cleared his throat, and exited Jack's office to stand on the platform and address the team.

 

“Tosh?”

 

“Ianto.” She looked guilty for some reason. Ianto wondered why.

 

“Anything we need to be worried about?”

 

“Not that I can see.”

 

“Right. All of you go home, then. Jack's orders.”

 

Gwen and Owen packed up and left without a word, but Tosh dwindled.

 

“Is everything okay, Ianto?"

 

Ianto smiled gently. “Nothing you can do anything about. Go home, it's been a hard day.”

 

“Goodbye, Ianto. Have a good night.”

 

“I will, thanks Tosh.”

 

He watched Tosh leave and then returned to Jack's office, took his hand, and said “We're going for drinks.”

 

Jack nodded and stood, pulling his coat over his shoulders.

 

                                                                                                               .oOo. .oOo. .oOo.

 

Ianto had found a bar in an alley in the rougher, less civilised part of town and dragged Jack all the way there, pulling him along like a dog on a leash.

 

He held open the door for him and, despite the bad smell, thick air, copious amounts of noise and waft of sticky heat that reached him as he was roughly flung through the door by a suited welshman, Jack immediately felt his spirits rise. Just a little.

 

Ianto sat down at the bar and gazed absently at the soccer match playing on the decade-old screen as he waited for Jack to take his seat beside him, as he knew he would.

 

Jack sat, but didn't say a word.

 

“What can I get you?” A reasonably attractive bartender, looking to be in her late thirties asked Ianto, choosing to address him over the far less approachable Captain. That was a first.

 

“What's the strongest you've got?”

 

The woman raised her brow and pointed to Jack in question.

 

“He's had a rough day.”

 

“Well I can mix you both something toxic, but I can't promise you won't have the hangover of your lives.” With that, she flipped her long, layered hair and stalked away, her hips swinging and her heals clacking on the floorboards.

 

“Jack?”

 

Ianto studied his expression as Jack slid his greatcoat off his shoulders.

 

“You've lost someone.” Ianto said as Jack reached over and undid Ianto's suit and pulled it over his shoulders, folding it neatly over the back of his chair. “How did you know?”

 

Ianto hunched over and folded his arms across his chest. “Psychic training?” He attempted to joke.

 

“They can't tell.”

 

“Sorry?”

 

“You're crossing your arms, hunched over. Don't worry, it's not visible.”

 

“I don't really think about it anymore. It's just automatic.”

 

Ianto watched Jack's eyes for any sign of pity. There was none.

 

“Hey, you said acceptance wasn't gonna fix everything. This is me trying to fix you.” He reached over and pulled his arms free.

 

“You can't fix me, Jack.”

 

“I can try. I can't not try.”

 

Ianto looked up, seeking out any lingering gazes, and met the prying eyes of the bartender. She flushed and carried their drinks over.

 

“Sorry. Just confirming my suspicions.”

 

She handed them their drinks.

 

“You'll want to watch it in here. Best keep yourselves to yourselves.” She nodded to their drinks. “You'll get a nasty headache, puke your guts out in the morning, so don't skull it.”

 

Jack looked like he was about to argue.

 

“Jack, it's fine.”

 

“Oh! I didn't mean... I just meant that, 'round these parts-”

 

“It's fine.” Ianto interrupted her with a smile. “Thanks for warning us.”

 

“Whatever. Just don't get into shit. You seem nice, I don't want to have to kick you out on account of some bastard who thinks this place is a free-for-all for throwing insults and punches at 'fags'” She curled her fingers into quotations and scowled.

 

“Sounds like it's happened before.” Jack said.

 

“You bet.”

 

“Well, why don't you quit?”

 

“Not much work for me in Cardiff. Too many tattoos and a very short attention span.”

 

Jack took in her bare midriff and muscled arms, all covered in tattoos.

 

“Hey Red!” Someone from behind the bar shouted.

 

She whipped her head around and followed the voice, leaving Jack and Ianto without a backwards glance.

 

“'Short attention span.'” Ianto cited.

 

The corner of Jack's mouth turned up as he sniffed his drink and then took a sip.

 

“Holy-” Jack couldn't seem to finish the phrase.

 

“Good, bad, Ugly?” Ianto asked, amusement lighting his eyes.

 

“Strong.”

 

“Well, coming from you, I'm guessing that must mean something.” Ianto eyed his drink warily, and then shrugged and took a sip. He scowled. “What is _in_ that?”

 

“We did ask for their strongest.”

 

“And I warned you.” Red had returned, her fingers twined with those of a muscled, pierced man with blue hair and a cheeky grin.

 

“Huh, maybe your attention span isn't that bad after all.” Ianto said.

 

“Actually I brought her over here.” The man with blue hair had a surprisingly deep voice. “I had noticed that I was interrupting something when I called her over. She seemed to have completely forgotten about you. You'll have to forgive her,” He leaned over the counter and stage-whispered “very simple-minded.”

 

Red elbowed him in the ribs. “Oi! Come at me!”

 

The blue haired man laughed and smiled at her, the two exchanging huge grins and snickering as they threw playful punches. He offered his hand, first to Ianto, then Jack, and introduced himself as “Blue. The name's an inside joke. Me being naturally ginger, I picked up the name and then dyed my hair blue, to match my nick-name and girlfriend.”

 

Jack laughed. “Captain Jack Harkness. Sense of humour, good looks and daring hair, that's three boxes on my list.”

 

Ianto smiled, loving the effect the evening was having on Jack. “Ianto Jones.”

 

“Hey, Red, I'm feeling generous, why don't I call Harry in to take over your shift, he said he's got nothing to do tonight. Go join these two and have some fun.” Blue smiled at her reaction.

 

“Woohoo! Thanks, boyfie! Mind if I join you two?”

 

“Not at all. Company is just what we need.” Jack said.

 

Ianto snorted and shook his head.

 

Red turned to Ianto. “He a bit of a flirt?” She winked at Jack.

 

“More than a bit.”

 

“Don't worry, hon, I'm resilient.”

 

“You'll need to be. Jack's got a reputation.”

 

“Sorry if I scared you a bit before, I'm very wary of strangers.”

 

“Why's that?”

 

“Like I said, round these parts...”

 

“We're not prejudiced, judgemental-” Ianto said.

 

“Or violent.”

 

Ianto tried to stifle a snort and failed.

 

“Something funny?” Red asked.

 

“We're um...”

 

“Trained.” Jack filled in.

 

“Well, the position of protecter of 'week and feeble woman' is already taken by Blue, I'm afraid.”

 

“Dammit. I was hoping for a place by your side, pointlessly defending those massive biceps of yours.” Jack said.

 

Red laughed and nodded to their drinks. “I'm waiting to see you two get pissed.”

 

Ianto scowled.

 

“Come on, mate. You don't look like you do this often. Loosen your tie, have a drink, narrowly avoid drunken public sex. I'm here to keep you in line.” She laughed at Ianto's face.

“Hey Blue!” She shouted in his general direction.

 

“Yeah Babe!?”

 

“'Nother one for me!”

 

“You out of your _mind_!?”

 

“Not yet!”

 

“Suit yourself, but don't expect me and Harry to clean it up when you empty it all over my carpet in the morning!”

 

“Buzzkill!”

 

“What do you call this, anyway?” Ianto asked.

 

“Hmm... Purple Nurples.”

 

“I'm educated enough to get the reference, and these aren't purple.” Ianto said.

 

“Oh jeez, don't tell Harry you watch the show, he'll go ballistic.” She jumped as a lean man came up from behind her and wound his arms around her waist.

 

“Who's going ballistic?”

 

“Harry, get off. You know the crowd, they just saw me with Blue.”

 

“Woah, don't fret. We're in a bar. You could be cheating?”

 

“Ew. No. That's no better than 'fag'.”

 

“I swear, sometimes you act like a 20-year-old.” He laughed.

 

“Did you see Blue? He's in the kitchen.”

 

“Jeez. Sting of rejection, much?” He grinned at her attempt to keep a straight face.

 

Ianto looked on with confusion as Harry wondered over to the bar and, once out of sight of most of the crowd, approached Blue from behind and did the same to him as he did to Red, almost causing him to spill the drinks he was carrying. Blue's startled “Jesus, Harry.” could just be heard over the noise of the crowd and soccer match playing through the speakers. Ianto's brow unknit and he turned to Red, wanting an explanation.

 

“Harry's a little to public for our liking, but I suppose it's not right to suppress him against his will. We won't be working here for much longer, if we can't talk to management about changing this place.”

 

She looked at Jack. “You must be the only person to ever appear entirely unsurprised by this.” She gestured between herself and the Harry and Blue.

 

“Nothing new to me.” He smiled at her, not a flirty grin, something more genuine.

 

“Right, then. Let's get pissed.” She practically jumped on the spot.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you'll hear what happened when they got pissed in the next chapter. sorry this one was so short, hopefully the next one will be longer. back to the feels next chapter, so prepare.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> been a while. finals have been bogging me down but the holidays have started so i should be able to write a little more.

Chapter 4

  


  


  


Months passed. The nights at the bar became a weekly occurrence, although Ianto always felt a bit uneasy about how little he could remember on the night of the purple nurples. He woke up with bruises and sore muscles all over and his shirt torn in several places, some of which exposed a little more of him than he'd like. He thought it felt like he'd been in a fight, but his memories of the night were so hazy that all he could recall was a strong sense of fear and a big guy with huge arms charging at him, throwing insults at his face. He'd asked Jack what'd happened, but Jack somehow managed to laugh it off as a rough night, and that he was surprised he didn't look as rattled as Ianto. Actually, Ianto wondered about that himself, but opted not to press Jack any further lest they lapse back into the foul mood they'ed found themselves in after that-night-that-Ianto-didn't-want-to-think-about.

  


They got to know Red and her boyfriends really well, and they came almost as close to them as the Torchwood team, but they never discussed Torchwood at the Pub, and never talked about Red during the day, as if they'ed made some sort of unspoken agreement to keep the two aspects of their lives separate.

  


Ianto had asked Red what happened the night he got pissed, as well, but she also denied that she had any memory of it, so Ianto assumed that Jack had got to her before he did.

  


Ianto came to trust Jack more and more and, eventually, he came to love his strange games and intimate activities. He became more and more comfortable in his own skins the closer Jack got. He was constantly shocked by the casual displays of affection and intimacy that Jack showed him, never once betraying a look of disgust or pity or even any acknowledgement that anything was wrong.

  


As Ianto came to trust Jack, so he let him explore. Ianto hadn't had anyone since Lisa was human, and he certainly hadn't had anyone before her. It was strange to find himself with a man, and it took a long time for him to trust Jack enough to go very far, he was still feeling very self-conscious and uncomfortable showing himself.

  


One night, the first time that Jack took him to bed, he did something that Ianto would have never expected. Jack showed him what it is to make love to a man. This wasn't about 'shagging', in fact, it was barely about the sex at all. Jack had shown Ianto a side of him that he'd never seen. Jack was gentle and loving and full of reassurances, but he also didn't treat him like blown glass. He poured so much emotion into his every move; made Ianto feel so comfortable in that moment.

  


This, Ianto decided, was Jack's talent. And he didn't mean that in a joking way at all. He realised that Jack treated this experience like a form of art, like he could make Ianto's first time with a man into something beautiful and pure and filled with a thousand sweet messages that words could never do justice. It was then that Ianto learned to trust Jack. As much as he had lied to him and betrayed him and hurt him in the past, Ianto could finally trust Jack to look upon his naked form without a single ill judgement. He finally believed that when Jack looked at him, he only saw beauty.

  


It was hard for him to admit it, but he'd never even felt like this with Lisa.

  


Only when Jack was sure Ianto was comfortable did he try anything more adventurous. Ianto surprised himself by rather enjoying Jack's crazy games, and began to invent some of his own (Jack was pleasantly surprised to find that Ianto could be rather creative).

  


  


  


Most of their troubles were behind him. Jack was well aware that Ianto would never be completely comfortable in his own body, but he was also very aware that he was at least comfortable around Jack, and knew he had nothing to fear.

  


It was just when Ianto had really learned to trust him that Jack left. He just vanished without a word and there really wasn't any excuse for that. He tried not to take it personally, but he couldn't really not. He was aware that Jack hadn't made any promises, but he thought that it was a bit obvious that running off without a word was not on. Of course, there was always the possibility that Jack had left against his will, and Ianto came closer and closer to believing that as the days stretched on, but that didn't make him feel any better. Quite the opposite, actually. Ianto would tell Tosh to search for him every day, but there was no trace of him, or any indication of where he'd gone, that Tosh could find. Eventually he gave up. Giving up is not a healthy thing for Ianto.

  


  


  


Jack came back, all cheeky smiles and innuendos, desperate for things to go back to normal. Gwen would have none of that, and tried to force some sort of explanation out of him, but none came. The whole team seemed to be precariously holding onto the last of their temper for the whole John Hart fiasco, but it didn't take long before they snapped. Meanwhile, Ianto kept his distance. Jack worried and wondered why, but he didn't feel any better about it when he found out. The second day back, a very angry looking Owen grabbed his wrist and yanked him down to the shower blocks and locked them in a cubicle, the only place where Gwen couldn't pry through the lens of the cameras.

  


“I found him in here.” He pointed to the ground beneath his feet, never breaking eye contact with Jack.

  


“What are you-”

  


“Has Ianto been avoiding you? Doesn't seem as willing to shed his frock in front of you anymore Jack? Have you given a single thought as to _why_?”

  


“I don't know what you're-”

  


“ _Think_ about it, Jack. You disappear to god knows where for _months,_ and he's just learned to trust you. I doubt he's ever felt that comfortable around anyone in his _life._ ” His voice began to rise. “And then you just _leave_? Do you have _any idea_ what that would have _done_ to him? We didn't know if you'd been kidnapped, we didn't know if you'd just left us, we didn't even know if you were still _alive._ ” He paused.

  


Jack opened his mouth to say something, but Owen talked over him before the first vowel left his mouth.

  


“No. I don't want your _excuses. I don't_ CARE. I found him in this cubicle, barely _breathing, running a fever and_ DYING _from_ BLOODLOSS!”

  


Jack looked terrified. He was backed into the corner of the cubicle, his arm painfully wedged next to the tap, his face slack and his lips sealed.

  


“Be damn grateful you've got me, Harkness because he would've died had I not found him _unconscious, and in a critical condition because the only. Man. He had_ EVER _trusted. Had disappeared.”_

  


Jack tried to flatten himself even further into the corner of the cubicle as Owen stepped right into his personal space and yelled into his face.

  


“ARE YOU SCARED OF ME JACK HARKNESS? BECAUSE YOU SHOULD BE! DO YOU HAVE _ANY_ IDEA WHAT YOU'VE _DONE_?”

  


With that, Jack fell to the floor and coiled in on himself.

  


Owen stopped in his track. He'd meant to give Jack a scare but he had to admit, he certainly hadn't expected this.

  


Jack sat in a hunched position, breathing heavily, with a terrified look on his face.

  


“What the hell is wrong with you? Pull yourself together.” Owen hadn't mean to keep the harsh tone, and winced at his own cruel words. He was just so confused. What the hell was happening? Alarm bells sounded in his sluggishly moving brain. Something was wrong.

  


He crouched down to level with Jack, who pulled away and whimpered at his approach. Jack squeezed his eyes shut and tried to control his breathing. He Vaguely registered Owen calling out to him, but he could barely see through the fog covering his vision and it was getting harder and harder to breathe.

  


_Jack? Jack, you're having a panic attack. Breath. Listen to my breath and copy it._

  


The voice echoed in his head and made his ears ring, but he tried to do as it said. He could hear the rush of breath whistling past his ear and tried to copy it, but found that it was nearly impossible. His lungs seemed to have a mind of their own.

  


_Jack, you have to concentrate. Everything is fine. It's Owen, okay? Owen. You know my voice. He's not here. You're safe. Breathe._

  


Owen. Yes, that was Owen's voice. He calmed down a fraction, and found that, with difficulty, he could just manage to control his breathing.

  


It took another two minutes for Jack to calm down, but eventually the fog clouded and he became aware of where he was again. “Torchwood, showers, with Owen.” He didn't realise he'd said it out loud until Owen replied.

  


“Hi there, Jack. Welcome back.”

  


Jack looked up at him, and almost laughed at Owen's expression. He was clearly on the verge of panic, but he was trying to put on a reassuring smile, which resulted in some sort of somewhat terrifying grimace.

  


“What the hell was that?”

  


“You're a doctor aren't you?”

  


“Jack, you just had a panic attack. Captain Jack Harkness just had a panic attack.” Owen sounded disbelieving and more than a bit concerned. “And who the hell is this Master?”

  


“I said that out loud?”

  


“Loud and clear, yeah.”

  


“Well, since it was what caused the attack, don't you think a change of subject might be the best option right now?”

  


“Right. Um. Sorry?”

  


“For?”

  


“I just set off a panic attack.”

  


“Ha. I can assure you that it had nothing to do with you.”

  


“Not buying it, Jack. I screamed, you collapsed. Sounds like a pretty good example of cause and effect to me.”

  


“Just... Don't shout, try not to say His name too often and... Don't touch me.” the last bit came out in a rush.

  


Owen's face went blank. “What the hell did this Master do to you?”

  


“I told you not to say his name, and it's not your business. I'll... get over it. Just let me out of here, get out of my space, and promise me NEVER to bring this up again.”

  


“Roger that.” Owen got up and opened the shower door. He wasn't about to hide his relief at not having to discuss this with Jack, he really didn't need another person's problems on his mind. But even so, he glanced back as he rested his hand on the door the shower blocks, just to be sure Jack wasn't gonna have a heart attack or suddenly split his head open on the edge of the sink. He wouldn't be at all surprised if he did. Every horrible scenario seemed to be happening around him all at once lately.

  


Jack nodded at him to leave, and so he did.

  


Owen shook himself as he walked back to his station. “Pull yourself together, Harper.” He whispered to himself. He knew he'd have to gather his composure before he went out to face the others.

  


What the hell had his life urned into? What next? He wouldn't have been surprised if Gwen turned out to be addicted to heroin or something.

  


God this was all a mess. He hadn't had to deal with something like this since that kid with scars all down his thighs from the old hospital he worked at in '02. He shivered. Jesus, that kid was messed up.

  


He wasn't gonna sleep tonight. He groaned. “Just perfect.”

  


“Is everything alright?”

  


Owen jumped. “Tosh! Didn't see you, there.”

  


“You look like death. Are you okay?”

  


“Fine, Tosh. Just had a bit of a scare.”

  


“Not hard in this place.”

  


“Yeah. Have you seen Ianto?”

  


“At his station.”

  


“Right. Thanks, tosh.”

  


He dragged his feet over to Ianto's station, but he wasn't there. He asked Gwen if he'd seen him, and she told him he'd headed for the archives about fifteen minutes ago.

  


As soon as she said 'archives' he picked up his feet and practically ran in their general direction. Gwen looked on, confused.

  


  


  


Ianto was sitting on the floor behind a shelf, his back against the wall and his heals tucked in, clutching his shins. He stood up wuickly as the archive door opened.

  


“Oh, it's you.” He said in adistinctly bitter tone, reminding Owen to keep his distance. Ianto clearly still wasn't over the incident with the shower.

  


“Come down here to check on me? See if I'm near death again? Poor little boy Ianto and his unhealthy relationship with sharp objects.”

  


Owen winced. “Actually no.”

  


“Oh? And what would Owen Harper be doing in the archives, then? You never come down here.”

  


“Can we just stop seething and act like grown-ups?”

  


Ianto scoffed. “ _You_ acting like a _grown-up_? Don't be daft.”

  


“You know this is just wonderful, Ianto. How much shit are you gonna give me before you let this go? What did you expect me to do? Just let you die? Bleed to death in the showers for the girls to find? Believe me, I did not enjoy finding you like that. You're acting like I get some sort of kick out of your pain. Quite the opposite, in case you hadn't noticed, and your foul mood reminding me every minute of the day sure isn't helping.”

  


“Is Jack okay?”

  


“I'm sorry?”

  


Ianto sighed. “I've got practically this whole building wired for sound. I heard every word. And you're right, Jack doesn't normally get panic attacks.”

  


Owen's face went white. “You know what? Ask him yourself, I'm already too involved in this mess.”

  


“I'll have to agree with you, there.”

  


“Ianto, is it too much to ask for you to just drop this? I know it was a big thing but please just... go easy on me. I've had little enough sleep as it is without more guilt on top of it all.”

  


Ianto groaned “it's not that simple, Owen. I can't just flick a switch and everything's fine.”

  


“Yeah well, could you at least try to pretend for me? The others are starting to notice.”

  


“I'll... do my best.”

  


“Thank you. And yes, Ianto, I think you should go talk to him but, unless it happens again, try not to bring up the panic attack, will ya?”

  


“Relationship advice from Owen Harper.”

  


“Whatever. Just don't make this worse, okay?”

  


Ianto nodded and gestured for Owen to leave.

  


Owen relaxed his stiff posture and gave Ianto a small smile before leaving.

  


Ianto groaned and smacked his head. “Come on, Jones, time to face your responsibilities.”

  


  


  


“Jack?”

  


“Ianto.”

  


“Are you alright?”

  


“”I'm fine.” He said a bit to quickly. “Why do you ask?”

  


“You just seem a bit pale.”

  


“So do you.”

  


“Hmm that's achieved from years locked up in a rusty old sewer.”

  


Jack chuckled. “How are you, Ianto?”

  


Ianto huffed. “For god sake, this is getting ridiculous. Can I suggest that we drop this stupid macho-act and get everything out in the open?”

  


“What are you-”

  


“Don't play dumb. You know perfectly well that this whole place is wired. I heard every word.”

  


Jack sighed. “I'm really not good at this-”

  


“If this is all just about your pride can you please just _drop it_?”

  


“I... Okay, Ianto, but not here.”

  


Ianto's face softened and he nodded. “Right. People. Work place. If you can call it that.”

  


Jack's shoulders relaxed in relief.

  


His earpiece started beeping. Jack gave Ianto an apologetic look before answering. “Who's this?... Why are you calling me?” He rolled his eyes “Yeah, I figured that, thanks, but _what_ 'weird shit' happened?” He quoted the officer in a mock Welsh accent.

  


Ianto scoffed.

  


“Yes that would be helpful.” He sighed with annoyance. “Yeah, Yeah, skip the intro, what actually happened?... You're the _police_ , your first priority is removing involved parties and eliminating danger so, rather than stuffing around arguing and thinking up engaging introductions could you perhaps move on to the actual report?... Right. Where?... Do we have a witness account filed?... Five minutes should have been enough, is your witness unconscious?... You said you had _one_ witness... Well have you spoken to the conscious one?... Yes the wife, that's it... You have? Great well read it out then.” Jack was fighting to keep his voice down, bobbing up and down with impatience. “What do you mean you haven't filed it?... Okay well just brief me and I'll come and interview her myself... Actually, I can. I do, in fact, have authority over you lot, officer, so if I wish to speak with her, I may... I can assure you I'm able to handle an angry nurse. I don't need your advice, just brief me and get on with it... Plain english, please, no need to turn a sentence into an essay... I don't care, just hurry up.”

  


By now Ianto had called Gwen through the comms and Gwen, Owen and Tosh had trailed Ianto and Jack into the conference room.

  


Jack fell silent for a minute and the voice on the other side of the comms could just be heard through the silence. The voice sounded nervous and uncertain, skipping a few beats and squishing words together.

  


“Pull yourself together, officer. We can't afford panic attacks right now... Woah, don't shout, I'm receiving this through an ear piece and I value my hearing. Alright, I'll brief my team and be there in less than five minutes... That won't be necessary, we'll have a plan by the time we arrive. I'm going to hang up now. You can keep talking but you'll be cut off. Bye.” Ianto could just make out the angry officer trying to shout over Jack's words of parting – he left no pauses for the officer to make himself heard – before he hung up.

  


Owen chuckled “Glad I didn't have to try to get through to _him._ ”

  


“They're not all bad.” Gwen butted in.

  


Owen snorted.

  


“Really, though. Some of them do actually know what they're talking about. He was probably new.”

  


“Okay, kids. I'll brief you in the car.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> any advice would be appreciated. this chapter is the one i'm least proud of so any improvements to be made please let me know.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Please leave comments and, if you like it, I'll post another chapter next week.  
> The whole translation thing may have been a tad confusing. I know what it means, but it's a little hard to try to explain it in a few words. If it's too confusing, let me know and I'll post something in the comments.


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